you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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