guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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