You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
