Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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