his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I wish there were birth control emojis
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
