I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
