watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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