Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
