I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
