I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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