my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
