my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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