I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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