i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
and i looked up. we had an audience...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
