Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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