are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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