god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
