Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
