when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm getting married
To pizza
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize