SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
