Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
