I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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