we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
