im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
