I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
