I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
