Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
