Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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