I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
