She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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