So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
