When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
