broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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