did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
