xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
