I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
