Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
