I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
