just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
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Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize