im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
