A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
