he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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