The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
