How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
