I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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