I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Randomize
