it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
