we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
