I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
