i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
