Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
