Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
