I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Let's paint friendship bongs
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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