3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
