I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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