chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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