Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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