Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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