I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
